Burger Bust
Mmmhmmmm This IS a tasty burger - Jules Winnfield

Feeling peckish at lunch time (as sometimes happens) I weighed up my options of what I could have to eat.
It's friday so Fish & Chips tends to be what most people go for but I can't be botherd getting in the car to drive to a good one as the local one is rubbish, the fish are dried up shriveled little things that you get the feeling have been left under the heater all month. The kebabs are good from there though. It's one of those places that combines a little of everything. I decide that having a Kebab covered with hot chilli source on a day as warm as this is just far too unpleasant a prospect for the afternoon. I instead settle on having a burger from the place that's finally deigned to open up it's custom to the lunch time crowd after being closed at lunch for over five years.

It's another of these bit of everything places and I've been told the food from there is good. Except for the Pizza, which seems odd as Pizza features promanatly in the business name.
I look up and down the boards list of burgers with names like: Mexican, Hawaiian, Chicken, Triple, Donner, American.
Now I don't have a problem with people calling their burgers strange names, I even do it myself, however the menus contained no description of what was in the burgers and when I asked the chap behind the counter he just gave me a blank look gestured at the board and said "All there." Well I wasn't about to be out foxed and made to look a fool even by someone so obviously cunning! So I choose myself The Deluxe burger, that would show him I'd get the best god damn burger he had. It was the most expensive bar the Triple Special Meat burger, but I had no intention of eating 'special meat', so I knew I was in for a treat.
I got back to my desk and opened the burger box. I closed it again. Then opened it, lifted the top of the bun and prodded the burger. I then consulted a dictionary. It said:

Deluxe [duh-luhks, -looks]
–adjective
1. of special elegance, sumptuousness, or fineness; high or highest in quality, luxury, etc.: a deluxe hotel; a deluxe edition of Shakespeare bound in leather.
–adverb
2. in a luxurious or sumptuous manner: We always travel deluxe.

I looked at my burger. My burger in a bun. I lifted the burger to see if I'd missed something, because well you never quiet know do you. Nope nothing there, no cheese, no onions, nothing.
I picked up the burger box and headed back towards the shop but his roller shutters where down presumably to keep out the baying masses who demanded proper descriptions of the food they were purchasing.
Well with nothing left to do I went back to my desk ate my burger.

It was a tasty burger. But all I could taste was defeat, you win this round shop owner.

Labels: food, funny, personal, work

Does It Speak Bocce?


The large wooden crates are lined up outside the building filled with various old I.T. equipment waiting for removal and disposal. I'm having a poke around them with Paul.
"Well he's already been out complaining about what a waste this is" Paul informs me about our coworker. "He's removed all the ink from the deskjets" There is a vast amount of deskjets scattered around that will never be used again for anything by anyone.
"They'll never be used by anybody and they'll dry up and be even more useless then him" I comment.
"yup"
"So you looking for anything in particular here?" I ask.
"Well ideally I'd like a flat screen monitor" Paul replies without much hope. Indeed the only monitors here are well worn and busted CRTs.
"What about yourself?" He asks me as I squeeze between two crates to get to another.
"What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators." I mutter this quietly as people are passing and I don't want them to think that I.T. are as geeky as we are. I think I did it too quietly as he doesn't seem to hear this witticism so I turn round to say it louder and feel a sharp jab in my arse.
"Arrrrrrgh! I've got a splinter in my arse!" I scream. People turn and look.

I have just pulled and inch long splinter from my arse.

Labels: funny, personal, work

Why. I. Outta.

"Hi, I'm from IT I'm delivering a Laptop for Christine Jackson"
With a sigh the receptionist stops typing into the MSN window and turns to me asking "Did you say Christine or Christa?"
"Let me do a quick check." I take the email out of my back pocket and check it, hidden away in tiny print at the bottom it says Christa Jackson. "Sorry it looks like it's for Christa, they told me it was Christine when I picked it up in the Helpdesk"
"That's ok it's just we don't have a Christine Jackson working here just a Christa Jackson" She turns back to her computer and continues tapping away. A long awkward pause follows.
"Erm... I'm from IT I'm delivering a Laptop for Christa Jackson" I try, the pitch of my voice raising towards the end accidently turning it into a question. I hate myself a little for doing it.
"Oh right. Ok." She disappears into a back room, I can see her talking to a rather rotund middle age woman in the back then she comes back out. "That's Christa" She points backwards at the woman, Christa. "She'll be out in a moment"
A good 20 minutes worth of moment pass as I observe Christa in the back doing everything but come out and greet me. Finally she comes out and takes me back to her office I take out the Laptop and put it down on her desk firing it up to show her how to use it.
"I've got the instructions you sent me on how to use it here somewhere" She says as she rummages round her desk
"Oh that wasn't me that'll of been Michael" I mention.
"Are you not Michael?"
"no I'm Will"
"Not Michael?"
"Nope 'fraid not" I say and flash her a little smile as I plug the network lead into the back of the Laptop.
"If you're not Michael, then where is he?" She asks suspiciously like she's not convinced I'm not Michael.
"He's also doing some Laptop training elsewhere; like I'm here to do for you." I say hopefully and motion with my hand to try and get her to take a seat next to me so we can begin. She does eventually, slowly eyeing me all the time.
"So if your not Michael, who are you"
"I'm still Will"
"....Will.....Willl..........hummm" You can almost hear the cogs turning in her head.
"Yes that's me" I say somewhat exasperated, then proceed to take her through the process of logging on and am just in the middle of explaining the differences between online and offline logging on when she exclaims "Will!!!" She says it in such a way that you can actually hear all three exclamation marks, grammar be damned.
"Er....yes"
"I remember you! That beards new isn't it."
"Er....fairly new" I'm still stunned at the complete turn around from suspicion to long lost friend.
She smiles looks me up and down and says "you've put on weight too."

Labels: funny, work

Depressing Sights At Work

In my job I frequently come into contact with Drug users, prostitutes, the homeless, the insane and other dregs of society. This is always depressing to see these sort of people who are down on their luck, sometimes it's scary like when you get threatened with a knife by a mentally ill person or if a angry pimp comes into a surgery looking for one of his girls pulls out a gun and starts firing. Not very nice things to happen to you I'm sure you'll agree. However the worst thing at the moment I think is actually seeing one of your friends checking into a drug rehabilitation clinic (or whatever they call it - I just sort out the 'puters).

Admittedly he isn't a good friend, more of a acquaintance but I can't help but feel that if I'd just said the right thing to him when I was trying to console him a while back over his wife leaving him and walking out with his kid, and one of his family members dying (I forget which, see how bad is that! I can't even remember who died). Maybe if I'd been listening to him properly rather then exchanging furtive looks with lovely lady who was sat at the next table over, I could of thought of the right thing to say or do and he wouldn't be in the trouble he is now.

This was about a year ago now. So I suppose the good news is that he's attempting to get his life back on track. I just wish I could of prevented it from going off the rails in the first place.

Labels: drugs, personal, work